According to science (and my family relations teacher) the stages of divorce are as follows:
-emotional
-legal
-economic
-coparental
-community
-psychic
Now I think that most of those can speak for themselves, so you can see here what a process divorce is. And I'm sure no one goes into it thinking that it really can be just a split second decision and a signing of papers and then you're free to move on with your separate lives! It is a very long and hard milestone that affects you for the rest of your life, whether or not you think it will. That's a lot of the last stage of divorce, psychic, where you may be separated from them and living different lives but especially if you have shared children you will still always have to think about them and route your life in a certain way because of them when you have to take the kids over to their house for the weekend or consider if they would want to be at that recital and such.
I mentioned this statistic at the very beginning of my blog, I think it was in the first post I ever wrote, but it's so significant that I want to emphasize it again...
--Most couples who are on their way to divorce have 10 significant areas of incompatibility.
But then... couples who are in happy marriages, get this, have 10 significant areas of incompatibility as well.--
Seems like you just can't win no matter what happens huh?
But actually, for me it's rather obvious. I think its entirely based off of your attitude and how you view things.
-It's about doing the little things. Whether you and your spouse are in a huge rough patch, if you continue to do the little things for each other, there's no way the other can say that you've given up or lost hope and vice versa. If you do that, there will still be giving and caring going on between the two of you and expressions of love in the midst of struggle.
-It's about you attitude, respect, and effort. It's so easy to just say "eh it isn't working anymore so I'm done. He's not trying so why should I bother?" Well if that's the case, when working my butt off in school to graduate college, maintain a job, and plan my own wedding at the same time didn't work well...I should've just given up right? But I didn't. Because I knew the outcome would be worth it and that things would work out.
But you also can't do this without respect for the other. It may be very easy to slip into criticism battles with each other but I think the only thing that can turn those battles around if you do not lose your respect for each other.
-70% of people believe (after their divorce) that they could have made it work and would have been better afterwards.
I think the main problem these days is that people don't exactly know what they're getting into when they get a divorce. Now I'm not trying to say that everyone should stay together and that no matter what, you can always make it work. In some cases, I think divorce is a very viable solution and may be the best thing to do to help someone have a better life.
But I also think that too many times, good couples who really loved each other, just give up too easily and can't see that there is a path out of the tension and out of the rut that they're in. Too many couples get divorced, only to regret the way it turned their lives or only to find themselves getting back together again years later. I think that a lot of heartache and a lot of split up families could have saved if they followed these principles and if they could see what the outcome would be in the end.
Thursday, December 10, 2015
Saturday, December 5, 2015
Get More Out of Your Role as a Parent
To protect and prepare children to survive and thrive. That is ideally why most of the world spends their time and energy being a parent. But what's the importance of it? Yes, parents help kids grow up and learn the ways of the world. But why is it so important?
Well, I think it's easy to argue that parents actually end up benefiting an equal amount from raising and teaching as the children do. Think about it this way... Have you ever had a teacher in a class that made you plan and prepare to do a peer teaching session? That's because of the general rule that you learn more when you teach. Sometimes the teacher is even getting more out of the subject than the people who are being taught. So if we view parenting as more than just "I have a kid so therefore I have to raise them... and that makes me a parent" and as an opportunity for us to learn as well, while we teach our kids everything about the world, the difference between good and bad, how to handle things that life throws at you, and how to love and use their brains it becomes a bigger matter of importance.
An experiment that I once learned about in a class had a group of baby monkeys in one cage and another group of baby monkeys in another. In the first cage, the scientists placed a fake wire "mother" in the cage that was built to have the nutrients inside of it that the babies would need. In the second cage they created a fake mother but instead of being made of wire, it was made of soft terry cloth. Then the scientists observed the difference between nature and nurture. Both groups of babies were able to get the nutrients that they needed for growth and survival. Neither of the groups suffered any dangerous situations or environments. However, what they were amazed to find was that the group of monkeys that had a soft, warm cloth mother not only survived but they out lived the monkeys with a wire mother (who died very soon after) by an immense amount.
Think of relationships that kids that you grew up with had with their parents. From what I remember, my friends who had parents that were not so affectionate or were gone 24/7 seemed to feel distant from their parents, they felt they didn't understand them, and they tended to be the ones who broke a lot of rules. But then I had friends who had parents that they felt very close to. They felt like they could talk to their parents about anything, they always knew what was going on within their kids' friend groups. I remember feeling envious of my friends who viewed their parents as friends.
Parenting is about contact and belonging. The difference that I think between these parents, isn't how strict or lenient they were. It's the contact and sense of belonging that they gave their children. They knew everything about their kids' lives because they took the time to talk with their kids. They spent time with them, they were affectionate with them and showed them that they mattered.
Parents, don't view your role as a parent as a right because you have a kid. View it as a skill to be learned, an experience, and a purpose. Provide support and encouragement, contact, teach them, and learn WITH them. That is how you can get more out of your role as a "parent".
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
Nanny...or Parent? Defending The Need For Mothers
As I've mentioned before in my other posts I'm sure, today's world is a lot different than it used to be. Now, it seems as though there's a fight for more women to leave the home and go to work (including more and more mothers lately). It's this right that we as women have finally won it seems.
Now I do not necessarily believe that mother's needing to work is a problem. My own mom has been working a part-time job since I was the last kid at home and had started going to high school all day long. She needed to do this to help out the family with more income. So that was great of her to go out a find a job that she was able to work. When it is financially necessary, it might be of help for the wife go seek employment. But for simply seeking out luxuries, I believe that the better place for a mother is with her children than in the office. When the children are still young and at home, not able to care for themselves, the better place for a mother is with her children.
However, young mothers who have babies and then go back to work, leaving these babies and children to be raised by nanny's or day care institutions, are actually hindering their family rather than helping. When both parents are gone at work instead of in the home (dual earners) research has shown that this hinders the growth of the children because their needs are not being met.
Some usually suppose that they can meet their families needs by going out and earning an extra income to provide more for their families. However, it seems that those needs aren't the ones that are lacking.
When mothers are able, I think it is extremely important for them to be in the home teaching, training, and nurturing their children while they are young and learning. Just being there for them and raising them yourself makes all the difference in their lives. Being a full time employee and a full time parent is nearly impossible. And when it comes down to it, research on select families has shown that these extras incomes that the mothers are bringing in, generally isn't enough to make up for the money that they are already paying monthly for nannying or day care services and enough to make up for that which the children grow up lacking.
One study observed young children on a play ground and asked the kids about some other kids whose parents were dual earners. These children interviewed referred to those kids who didn't have parents at home as the "meaner" kids in the school. Of course that may not be true for all dual earner's children. However, it is an interesting correlation.
In Germany, some employed women can get 3 years of paid maternity leave. That sounds like an awesome deal right? But what they found was that these women actually weren't coming back. They found that they didn't want to come back to work anymore after spending that much time with their babies/children.
Some may look down on mother's in the home and say that they "trade in their minds for mothering". Well, not being a mother myself yet but seeing my own and many other mothers in my family I can testify that being a mother and raising children is anything but mindless work.
Being a full time homemaker and a mother is hard work. I don't know about you but I personally have never seen a mother in the home free to just sit on the couch all day doing nothing. If anything, every mother that I see at their home is constantly running around, going here and there, and taking care of the needs of the entire family. It is not mindless work to constantly be a teacher to your children. I have seen/heard/observed my own sister with her four young kids and it seems that sometimes they truly test her knowledge with the endless questions that they ask! Not only that, but she teaches them about life, how to live, what's right and what's wrong. She works hard to help them form good habits. She is there for them constantly.
It might be bold to say but I think that if every parent spent that much time and effort on rearing their children, we might have a stronger and more caring generation of people on this earth.
Mothers should remember that their children usually need more of their mother than of money.
When it is within their means for a mother to be at home with her children, what's more important? Being there for your children? Or being there for your boss?
Now I do not necessarily believe that mother's needing to work is a problem. My own mom has been working a part-time job since I was the last kid at home and had started going to high school all day long. She needed to do this to help out the family with more income. So that was great of her to go out a find a job that she was able to work. When it is financially necessary, it might be of help for the wife go seek employment. But for simply seeking out luxuries, I believe that the better place for a mother is with her children than in the office. When the children are still young and at home, not able to care for themselves, the better place for a mother is with her children.
However, young mothers who have babies and then go back to work, leaving these babies and children to be raised by nanny's or day care institutions, are actually hindering their family rather than helping. When both parents are gone at work instead of in the home (dual earners) research has shown that this hinders the growth of the children because their needs are not being met.
Some usually suppose that they can meet their families needs by going out and earning an extra income to provide more for their families. However, it seems that those needs aren't the ones that are lacking.
When mothers are able, I think it is extremely important for them to be in the home teaching, training, and nurturing their children while they are young and learning. Just being there for them and raising them yourself makes all the difference in their lives. Being a full time employee and a full time parent is nearly impossible. And when it comes down to it, research on select families has shown that these extras incomes that the mothers are bringing in, generally isn't enough to make up for the money that they are already paying monthly for nannying or day care services and enough to make up for that which the children grow up lacking.
One study observed young children on a play ground and asked the kids about some other kids whose parents were dual earners. These children interviewed referred to those kids who didn't have parents at home as the "meaner" kids in the school. Of course that may not be true for all dual earner's children. However, it is an interesting correlation.
In Germany, some employed women can get 3 years of paid maternity leave. That sounds like an awesome deal right? But what they found was that these women actually weren't coming back. They found that they didn't want to come back to work anymore after spending that much time with their babies/children.
Some may look down on mother's in the home and say that they "trade in their minds for mothering". Well, not being a mother myself yet but seeing my own and many other mothers in my family I can testify that being a mother and raising children is anything but mindless work.
Being a full time homemaker and a mother is hard work. I don't know about you but I personally have never seen a mother in the home free to just sit on the couch all day doing nothing. If anything, every mother that I see at their home is constantly running around, going here and there, and taking care of the needs of the entire family. It is not mindless work to constantly be a teacher to your children. I have seen/heard/observed my own sister with her four young kids and it seems that sometimes they truly test her knowledge with the endless questions that they ask! Not only that, but she teaches them about life, how to live, what's right and what's wrong. She works hard to help them form good habits. She is there for them constantly.
It might be bold to say but I think that if every parent spent that much time and effort on rearing their children, we might have a stronger and more caring generation of people on this earth.
Mothers should remember that their children usually need more of their mother than of money.
When it is within their means for a mother to be at home with her children, what's more important? Being there for your children? Or being there for your boss?
Thursday, November 19, 2015
What I Meant Was... We Think Differently
I know I'm not the only one who has had strenuous fights over and over again with someone when you were standing there wanting to scream at them "Nooooo, that's obviously not what I meant!"
I remember in middle school, I had a best friend that was harder to talk to than my parents as an 8th grader. It seemed like everything that I said she would turn around into something offensive or unfriendly. Most of these arguements probably happened from texting unfortunately. We struggle with communication especially in texting because just reading shortened, typed messages often does a bad job getting the real message across. And so she wouldn't understand me correctly and we would fight. It happens.
But did you know more of our communication with others comes form non-verbal messages? More so even than tone... And then tone more so than actual words.
(Now you can really see how hard it must be to understand correctly through texting)
So now you can probably understand why it's sometimes so hard to communicate effectively about what you really mean. And often times, if we don't use non-verbal language or tone the way that the other person expects, we may find ourselves saying "Wait, what I really meant when I said that was..."
What it all boils down to is the fact that we are all different. Our brains function differently. And whether or not we want acknowledge it, we all think differently and interpret meanings different from one another. So that's why it's so important for us to slow down, easy our defense, and clarify what you may be saying if the other isn't understanding or to take the time to think about what they may really be saying.
A few things to consider when you engage in communication with others:
- Listening is more important than talking.
- Listening is not the same thing as hearing. Hearing is a sensory experience. Listening is an activity that requires hearing, processing, and engaging with the other person.
- Reflective listening can help you and the other person clarify what is being said, so that misunderstanding does not occur.
Reflective
listening is a simple exercise that, with practice, will become second
nature and help you improve your communication skills.
Hopefully that helps you avoid your next argument!
Hopefully that helps you avoid your next argument!
Thursday, November 12, 2015
Why Bad Things Happen to Good People
This week, I really want to put my focus and attention on crisis within us individually and in the family.
So to start, why do bad things happen to good people? Is it because deep down we all have done something at some point in our lives where we deserve it? Is it because of Adam's fall, that his sin is just transferred over to us and bad things are just the repercussions?
Here's my take on it that might help someone see it in a different light.
I see it as a way of getting through trials. The Lord gives us all different circumstances and trials that we have to go through to grow and to learn from. We have to go through those things also to learn to rely on the Lord because sometimes, we can't make it through without Him. And if we do this, it will make us stronger people. You can try to see every circumstance or trial as an opportunity for test. We are on the earth as a test to exercise our faith and good works; to prove to our Heavenly Father that have learned and have worked hard to be like Him and to get back to Him.
Another reason that I think goes into it is that Adam and Eve couldn't experience the bitter so they could never enjoy the sweet. We must experience both good and bad in life in order to appreciate the good, learn to recognize it and be thankful for it, and to hopefully be able to search the good out in other situations as well.
If we go about life being spoiled enough to only experience good and no hardships, what is the point of being on this earth? What have we learned and gained?
The scriptures tell us that if we hope to become like God, we must suffer like Christ had to. Isn't Christ the ultimate example of a good person? Didn't he suffer more than any of us?
Now that isn't saying that God always puts hard things in our lives just because He can. Sometimes the Lord doesn't need to create trials for us, sometimes it is just the consequences of other's using their free agency, and the Lord lets them exercise that. But then in other scenarios He will create a trial for us to make us learn. For example, the scriptural story of God asking Abraham to sacrafice his son Isaac.
But all of these are for a reason. To help us learn, strengthen relations, become greater, make us humble and teachable, and submissive to God.
To sum it all up, I would like to share one really cool thing that I learned this week.
The Chinese characters that make up the word "crisis" mean separately:
1. Danger and 2. Opportunity
So to start, why do bad things happen to good people? Is it because deep down we all have done something at some point in our lives where we deserve it? Is it because of Adam's fall, that his sin is just transferred over to us and bad things are just the repercussions?
Here's my take on it that might help someone see it in a different light.
I see it as a way of getting through trials. The Lord gives us all different circumstances and trials that we have to go through to grow and to learn from. We have to go through those things also to learn to rely on the Lord because sometimes, we can't make it through without Him. And if we do this, it will make us stronger people. You can try to see every circumstance or trial as an opportunity for test. We are on the earth as a test to exercise our faith and good works; to prove to our Heavenly Father that have learned and have worked hard to be like Him and to get back to Him.
Another reason that I think goes into it is that Adam and Eve couldn't experience the bitter so they could never enjoy the sweet. We must experience both good and bad in life in order to appreciate the good, learn to recognize it and be thankful for it, and to hopefully be able to search the good out in other situations as well.
If we go about life being spoiled enough to only experience good and no hardships, what is the point of being on this earth? What have we learned and gained?
The scriptures tell us that if we hope to become like God, we must suffer like Christ had to. Isn't Christ the ultimate example of a good person? Didn't he suffer more than any of us?
Now that isn't saying that God always puts hard things in our lives just because He can. Sometimes the Lord doesn't need to create trials for us, sometimes it is just the consequences of other's using their free agency, and the Lord lets them exercise that. But then in other scenarios He will create a trial for us to make us learn. For example, the scriptural story of God asking Abraham to sacrafice his son Isaac.
But all of these are for a reason. To help us learn, strengthen relations, become greater, make us humble and teachable, and submissive to God.
To sum it all up, I would like to share one really cool thing that I learned this week.
The Chinese characters that make up the word "crisis" mean separately:
1. Danger and 2. Opportunity
Thursday, November 5, 2015
The Harm in Being Intimate
One of the things that I learned this week was about being intimate and the things that happen during that process. We all know there's so much about this subject that could be good, harmful, etc. We could go on for days. But I just want to emphasize the important things that we might not be realizing as a society.
When you are in a serious commitment with your loved one, being intimate can be exactly what ties you together and strengthens the love in that relationship. This happens because of the wonderful biochemicals that are released in the brain.
There's:
Seratonin (a feeling of well being and relaxed), Dopamine (a feeling of excitement and thrill), and Oxytocin (a bonding feeling and attraction).
Research has shown that these chemicals happen within women most often. In case you don't know, Oxytocin is the same neurotransmitter chemical that is also release in women when they give birth. This is what causes the immediate bond between the mother and her baby.
This is what causes women and girls to become attached usually after any intimate relations. Now what I would like to make aware is that this can also be very harmful when women have sex, not with the proper person or in the right circumstance/relationship. I think that this explains greatly why some girls may even stay in abusive or unhealthy relationships. When women have sexual relations with men, they form a bond with them. And because this chemical isn't released (at least not that any research has shown) in men, the men don't feel as close with their partner. I think this also could be a correlating reason as to why in some of these abusive or unhealthy relationships, men are able to get up and leave without any attachment or guilt. This may even be why men seem to be more active in having "one night stands".
I think these are very important things to keep in mind and be aware of because this is something that can't really be helped with women, except if they make sure to only keep intimate relations when they are in a committed relationship, like marriage.
One last thing I wanted to mention today, the most interesting fact that I found out that I really want to share to the world: studies have shown that the people who reported the most satisfying and best sex lives were those in their 40's and 50's... Not those in their 20's who tend to sleep around with the most partners.
To me this just testifies that people who are most likely in serious committed relationships and have been together for a long time (having a lot of practice with each other) are more healthy and are bonded together.
Food for thought.
When you are in a serious commitment with your loved one, being intimate can be exactly what ties you together and strengthens the love in that relationship. This happens because of the wonderful biochemicals that are released in the brain.
There's:
Seratonin (a feeling of well being and relaxed), Dopamine (a feeling of excitement and thrill), and Oxytocin (a bonding feeling and attraction).
Research has shown that these chemicals happen within women most often. In case you don't know, Oxytocin is the same neurotransmitter chemical that is also release in women when they give birth. This is what causes the immediate bond between the mother and her baby.
This is what causes women and girls to become attached usually after any intimate relations. Now what I would like to make aware is that this can also be very harmful when women have sex, not with the proper person or in the right circumstance/relationship. I think that this explains greatly why some girls may even stay in abusive or unhealthy relationships. When women have sexual relations with men, they form a bond with them. And because this chemical isn't released (at least not that any research has shown) in men, the men don't feel as close with their partner. I think this also could be a correlating reason as to why in some of these abusive or unhealthy relationships, men are able to get up and leave without any attachment or guilt. This may even be why men seem to be more active in having "one night stands".
I think these are very important things to keep in mind and be aware of because this is something that can't really be helped with women, except if they make sure to only keep intimate relations when they are in a committed relationship, like marriage.
One last thing I wanted to mention today, the most interesting fact that I found out that I really want to share to the world: studies have shown that the people who reported the most satisfying and best sex lives were those in their 40's and 50's... Not those in their 20's who tend to sleep around with the most partners.
To me this just testifies that people who are most likely in serious committed relationships and have been together for a long time (having a lot of practice with each other) are more healthy and are bonded together.
Food for thought.
Saturday, October 31, 2015
"Freeform" and TV Stations Breaking Down the Family
Did you know that The Brady Bunch was the first show on TV that showed a husband and wife sleeping in the same bed? Believe it or not, but before then, TV shows would never allow that to be seen. They either had them in separate beds or just stayed away from showing it in a scene.
Have you noticed how these days TV shows are far from the Brady Bunch?
Now of course I'm not suggesting that we switch back to being THAT conservative necessarily. However, it's quite a jump that TV has taken, don't you think? Nowadays TV producers are scared to put anything on TV and I mean anything and quite frankly I think it's effecting us and our views on everything in life.
Don't take me as someone who only advocates for G and PG rated movies and wants to destroy anything else. But it's the fact that these things we see daily on TV, are not wholesome and normal environments. Every family that we see in shows these days is very unhealthy.
Think about all the comedy shows that we enjoy watching. Once we get past the jokes and aspects of it that makes it funny, you start to notice how mean the wives are to their husbands, how dumb the husbands are portrayed, and how dishonest and unloving everyone is in the family. I'll admit, it might make it more entertaining, however that is not true. Most families are not broken down that unhealthily. No TV, not every family has had parents that have committed adultery or a son/daughter that is bisexual or gay. While trying to cater to these more uncommon situations so that some families don't feel left out, they have gotten caught up in it and turned it into our whole world, meanwhile healthy families where there is no betrayal or dishonesty have become the minority.
What happened to traditional families?
TV stations are slowly but surely breaking down the family system.
ABC Family, was once what it was. Then when they began breaking away from what they stood for they turned their slogan into "A new kind of family". It's supposed to be for the family but now it is full of garbage when you think about it. But because they were still under contract with their providers, as long as they were ABC Family, they still had to show The 700 Club, which is a religious program. So they put it late at night when nobody would see it on TV.
Now, if you haven't heard, ABC Family is changing and calling themselves "Freeform".
It seems, to me that this is a step to breaking even farther away from the family, following the spiral downhill that so many other TV stations have taken, eliminating any chance for us to get real and good exposure to how a family is supposed to run.
Have you noticed how these days TV shows are far from the Brady Bunch?
Now of course I'm not suggesting that we switch back to being THAT conservative necessarily. However, it's quite a jump that TV has taken, don't you think? Nowadays TV producers are scared to put anything on TV and I mean anything and quite frankly I think it's effecting us and our views on everything in life.
Don't take me as someone who only advocates for G and PG rated movies and wants to destroy anything else. But it's the fact that these things we see daily on TV, are not wholesome and normal environments. Every family that we see in shows these days is very unhealthy.
Think about all the comedy shows that we enjoy watching. Once we get past the jokes and aspects of it that makes it funny, you start to notice how mean the wives are to their husbands, how dumb the husbands are portrayed, and how dishonest and unloving everyone is in the family. I'll admit, it might make it more entertaining, however that is not true. Most families are not broken down that unhealthily. No TV, not every family has had parents that have committed adultery or a son/daughter that is bisexual or gay. While trying to cater to these more uncommon situations so that some families don't feel left out, they have gotten caught up in it and turned it into our whole world, meanwhile healthy families where there is no betrayal or dishonesty have become the minority.
What happened to traditional families?
TV stations are slowly but surely breaking down the family system.
ABC Family, was once what it was. Then when they began breaking away from what they stood for they turned their slogan into "A new kind of family". It's supposed to be for the family but now it is full of garbage when you think about it. But because they were still under contract with their providers, as long as they were ABC Family, they still had to show The 700 Club, which is a religious program. So they put it late at night when nobody would see it on TV.
Now, if you haven't heard, ABC Family is changing and calling themselves "Freeform".
It seems, to me that this is a step to breaking even farther away from the family, following the spiral downhill that so many other TV stations have taken, eliminating any chance for us to get real and good exposure to how a family is supposed to run.
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